Bunny Batzri (ritm) wrote,
Bunny Batzri
ritm

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You wanna WHAT?!

To: alt.dreaming.squiddy-death
From: Bunny Batzri
Subject: All I want for Christmas is...a homicidal elder god.

MILES GLENDOWER of Eildon is expressing his suicidal impulses today, with the following question:

"Dear Bunny: I am pondering Christmas and Birthday presents for my family, because it's never too early, particularly for something on the scale I am considering: Please, what can you tell me about the care, feeding, storage, and training of krakens?"

Miles, please don't take this personally, but feel free to never, EVER buy me a present. I have a cat, and that's frankly more than enough for me to be dealing with on a day-to-day basis. Giant tentacled horrors from the deep bent on rising up to destroy me and everything I've ever loved, really not my thing. Even a tiny little bit. That being said...

The kraken is one of the fabulous monsters of the deep, characterized by its ten legs (eight propulsion appendages, like an octopus, and two 'whips', which hold the larger claw-spikes), minor chameleonic abilities, and general bad temper. These are not sweet'n'cuddly plush elder gods; they're hostile predators that can easily reach sizes that would make your average giant squid turn tail and run. Just to make matters more entertaining, they're vaguely amphibious, and can survive fairly extended treks outside the water, providing they can regularly re-moisten their skins along the way. Their beaks, conveniently located at the junction of all those tentacles, are strong enough to bite through steel. Anything that can bite through steel can also bite through me; I tend to steer clear.

Feeding your kraken is pretty easy: just let it get hungry and it'll feed itself. Livestock, smaller housepets, whales, neighbors, any spare children you happen to have lying around...the kraken is not a picky eater. In fact, the best thing that can be said about the kraken's eating habits is that it has very little short-term memory and tends to regard smaller kraken -- such as its own children -- as delicacies. This does a lot to keep the kraken population way, way down, and is probably the reason female kraken have all the maternal instincts of particularly stupid rocks.

Storing your kraken is also easy; got a convenient ocean? Unlike goldfish, which grow to fit their space, kraken expect their space to grow to fit THEM. If the space they're in isn't big enough, they'll just eat the guy next door and expand their territory. This, too, is why the kraken population remains somewhat manageable. If your kraken seems listless or unhappy with its enormous aquatic habitat, see what you can do to provide it with some vicious storms that will likely prove deadly to the local bipedal population. They like those. And bloated, water-logged bodies are quite tasty, from the kraken point of view. To which I must say...ew.

The training of krakens is a little bit sketchier. What I've been able to find implies that either a) you can't; don't bother; just run away while you still have limbs, or b) they can be controlled by mysteeeeeerious water-logged women who sing magical songs that make the krakens reasonably docile (by kraken standards) and thus easy to command. Given classical mythology and its view of the kraken, I'm going to make a leap of logic here and say 'only a siren can control a kraken'. Sirens are either cannibalistic bird-women or cannibalistic fish-women; in view of the squidtastic health-hazard that is the kraken, I'm going to go with 'sirens are fish-women who sing magical songs and can control a kraken'. I'm also going to note that all signs point to them being LOUSY prom dates. Trying to keep a kraken without a siren would probably be a great way to start an aquatic version of 'Jurassic Park' -- it'd be all 'ooh' and 'aah' in the beginning, but later, there'd be running, screaming and a lot of blood. I may be prejudiced, as a kraken recently killed a member of my House, but there you go.

I recommend you get a puppy instead.

Bunny Batzri
ritm@pacifica.cn.gov
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ritm

C'mon, SOMEONE had to say it!
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