From: Bunny Batzri
Subject: Say it with a song.
I would like to officially nominate 2004 as 'The Year The World Went Weird'. Seriously. So far this year I've woken up male, actually kept a boyfriend for more than six weeks, and now? Now I'm wandering around like a character in a Disney movie, bursting into fully orchestrated song at the drop of the hat. Following a rather unplesantly timed solo performance in the school cafeteria (aka, 'The Hot Dog Song'), I've had to call in sick for the last three days. If it weren't for the Drama Club backing me up by claiming that it was advertisement for the school musical, I'd be socially dead. And the bastards are still going to blackmail me into working their lighting boards. There is no justice in this world.
There is, however, a great deal of musical theatre. Roger and I had a phone duet yesterday that felt like it should've been presented in split-screen, like those old movies with Rock Hudson and Doris Day. Except for the part where Roger's not gay and I'm not wearing a girdle. And as ways to have your boyfriend say he loves you for the first time and invite you to the prom, musical numbers don't suck. At least, not in the abstract...
Because this isn't just us: it's the entire fiefdom, and judging by the reports I'm seeing around the Chimnet, it's possibly the Kingdom. It's definitely Eildon, but those people don't count as a representative sample of anything, except maybe Joss Whedon's wet dreams. There are a lot of people breaking into spontanious song and dance numbers in the middle of the street, which makes this a) a danger to the Mists, b) extremely inconvenient, and c) funny as hell. Roger and I have been stalking the nobility with Dad's videocamera all week.
And midway through recording the Duchess of Deep Mists performing a heart-rending ballad full of pathos and pain (and complex internal rhymes) I realized something: this really sucks. I mean, REALLY sucks. This is the sort of suck that lesser suck can only fantasize about. Because people are sharing their secrets, spilling out their hearts and souls, and they DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. And it's only getting worse.
Roger didn't want to tell me that he loved me; he wasn't ready yet. I didn't want to tell my baby brother that he was an insensitive jerk. I'm pretty sure Duchess Amber didn't mean to tell me that she's scared of the day when she wakes up and is just another former cheerleader who peaked in the twelfth grade, while her replacement moves smoothly into the Duchy she's forgotten ever existed. None of us wanted to admit these things, but we did, out loud, in tune, and for anyone who happened to be nearby. They're things that maybe we needed to get out into the open...but we should have had a choice. It should have been voluntary.
There may be some people who are laughing at me right now -- 'ha ha, the sidhe is learning what it feels like, ha ha' -- but y'know what? It doesn't work that way. Most of us 'baby nobles' get hit with the Sovereign stick more than anybody else: sit down, sit up, sit still, BEHAVE BEHAVE BEHAVE. We're the ones cluttering up the parlors of our superiors, and they get tired of us bouncing our superballs off the walls. I KNOW what Sovereign feels like, and what's more, I know that usually -- not always, but usually -- when I get slapped with it, I've done something to deserve it. What did I do to deserve admitting my deepest, darkest secrets in four-four time in front of an audience of the people I love? Breathe? I'm sorry, but that's just not fair. And yet...
Maybe there's a certain virtue to this, because it takes the fear out of saying the things we need to say. I know Roger loves me; I know Amber is afraid; I know that I can treat them both kindly for that knowledge. Sometimes we're afraid to speak up and stand out, and sometimes, that's exactly what we need to do. Secrets burn. Maybe if we didn't have so many of them, we wouldn't need to say it with a song.
I want this to end because I want the honesty to be voluntary...but I also want the honesty. I want to know the score.
I think we all deserve that much, don't you?
C'mon, SOMEONE had to say it!